What I Need
by Wijida
Summary: An alternate ending to "New Gun In Town". While Mac is on the USS Guadalcanal, she finds herself musing over the recent events, and what's going on next...


Disclaimer: David Bellisario owns JAG, and I'm a mere scribbler of the written word

Disclaimer: David Bellisario owns JAG, and I'm a mere scribbler of the written word.

What I Need 

By Manda (Mizuno Ami)

The wake of a ship is a beautiful thing, and this is what Sarah Mackenzie saw as she stepped out onto the cramped rear viewing deck of the U.S.S Minnesota.Her hands curled comfortably around the top of the protective iron railing- holding on to something, she felt comfortable and in control, despite echoes of voices inquiring about her wedding- and Chloe's rejection. How could she handle _Chloe's_ rejection, Mic's rejection…two in such a short while.

_Oh, Chloe. Why you, too?_

__The night breeze was kind to her fevered skin, blowing brown hair over her eyes and momentarily blocking her view of the sea- fine with her.She wasn't eager for anything that would remind her of Mic- his face, his laugh, the night he'd proposed to her on board the ferry in the harbor. Australia was so beautiful, and the setting had been perfect…he'd been more romantic than any man she'd ever known…and she'd basked in that glory for oh, so long. Moonlight glistening off of the diamond ring, so bright for her future that she would never have to spend alone. And being _sober_…she'd thought that this time, different from Chris, different from Dalton…that she could do it right. 

"It doesn't matter…if I'm sober or not." She whispered to the open air, the waves, the sky filled with distant burning stars. Shedding her warm khaki jacket, and tossing her hat to the deck plates, she stepped up onto the rail to feel the salty breeze in her face. "Make me forget…"

Harm had once told her of Jenny Lake- a woman who sang with the USO tour…whose life had been saved by his father, when she'd attempted to jump overboard in a fit of confusion and fear. He'd talked her back, saved her from making a terrible mistake…and if only Harm could see his partner now…steady Sarah Mackenzie…she was sure that he would know she wasn't as steady without her fian---without _anyone._

Her feet crept upward and she perched, swinging them into the open and leaning back carelessly, knowing that if she took her time, Gunny wouldn't worry. She was capable.

"As long as you love him…" Chloe had told her what she had said to Mic, and Mac recalled the words with a profound clarity, Chloe's face in her mind with a proud smile at doing her part to protect someone who was so close to her. "Oh, that wasn't the problem, sweetheart. The problem was me."

How easy it was, imagining Mic now, although the ache in her heart did not subside through her memories of his laugh, their time together, late nights in bed discussing color schemes. And her dress hung forgotten on the back of the bedroom door—she hadn't yet closed that door, not wanting to see the gown, all pressed…ivory…beautiful... 

"Not that I'll ever get to wear that dress now," She murmured.

"Why not?" The response was so clear, she spun around in shock at the proximity of the voice which spoke it, feet slipping- without allowing him to see. She clutched at the bar with non-visable panic, and regarded him from the outside. 

"What are you doing here?"

"I requested another days leave. With all that's happening—the Admiral gave me an extra day to come and escort you and the Gunny."

"We're fine, Harm."

"No, you're not. What were you _thinking_, Mac? Come back over here. Gunny told me you came out here—but I didn't think you'd resort to this."

"I'm not resorting to _anything," _She rebutted, and as her left hand struggled for purchase, her engagement ring caught a moonbeam and Harmon Rabb took a step forward. 

"You can take that off now, Mac."

_Why didn't I?_

__"I don't _want_ to yet!" She hissed, but at his concerned glance, began to pull at the bauble which clung to her swollen finger. "I don't know!" It wouldn't come…she tugged viciously, and as it flew off, her body slipped, ring clattering against a far bulkhead but unheard as she found the power to scream. 

_No…._Rabb had grabbed her wrist and pulled her into his arms before she could object aloud, grasping her close in comfort…shared, yet she pushed him away, angrily, fist pounding into his shoulder as tears washed over her cheeks, lips…onto his uniform. 

"_No_. Leave me alone…you've done enough. You _can't_ be my hero, dammit! Just like your father did for her…"

"Not quite." Harm took her by the shoulders and held her calmly. "The woman my father saved was beautiful…but she was saved to go on to another life. Mac…we need to talk about us."

"There is no _us_, " She shook her head and hissed painfully, turning away from him and searching for her ring. "Where is it? Did it go overboard? Damn you, Harm!"

As he attempted to take her hand, she snatched it away. 

"There's you and Renee. I needed _Mic…_and now I've lost him, too."

"Oh, Mac." The ring was in his palm, he pressing it into hers and curling her fingers around it, holding them tightly. They were close…eerily so…not a goodbye…but she knew it would have to be. "Mac, I love you- you know that."

"No, I don't." She replied, flatly. "I have to go, Harm."

"Where?"

"Somewhere…_any_where," She snapped, gesturing outward. "Harm…we had something…but it's going to ruin both of our lives if we don't get away from each other. What are you willing to give up for me?" 

He shook his head, and she sighed, heading toward the hatch with the ring in her hand. But he caught her- pulled her back, and held on.

"Let it ruin…what else is there to ruin now, Sarah?" _Three times._ How many times had he used her name that way…Australia. When she'doffered herself to him…and he'd said 'no'. What had changed? They were the same people, same as they had always been…

She opened her mouth to object- and his lips met hers with such ferocity that she allowed herself to be lifted from the deck and into his arms. He tasted wonderful- of coffee and mint toothpaste, his cologne wrapping her in a warm cloak which sheltered her body from the rough wind as it came up to envelop them. 

"Will it-"

"We'll _make_ it work, Sarah. We can."

She didn't know why she trusted him; didn't understand why she was allowing him to promise her so much. And yet, she wanted to believe something, that someone could and would care for her…and that she loved him just as much.

"Gunny _was_ wondering about you," Harm informed her, and she blinked, glancing up at the cold sky and taking his hand as he placed her onto the deck. _So it wasn't a dream…_ She hadn't been dreaming…

"All right."

"Care for an escort, Colonel?"

"I wouldn't give up the privilege." She responded, reaching up to kiss him once again, briefly, to remind herself of what she had in her grasp, before stepping through the hatch with the Commander in tow.

And the ring remained grasped in her hand, all but forgotten.

-Fin


End file.
